Friday, October 17, 2014

God Dammit Tiffany!

I've started writing again. This has nothing to do with horses but wanted to share: 






“Yaaaaawwn” I stand up on my bed and stretch my body pointing my rear end to the sky. I shake out my hind legs before stepping out of the plush bed that is covered in my black fur. The humans should really clean that up today. I walk across the bedroom floor, stopping to stretch once again in the sun spot coming in through the window. On my way past the bed I graze the top of my tail across the mattress. The humans don’t seem to be awake just yet. I’ll give them a moment or two to pull their act together. I trot into the kitchen to see if maybe they fed me while I was sleeping. Oh good! My bowl is full of food, I’m starving! I dive in and start crunching, wait this isn’t right. Where is the smell? No fake fish or beef aroma? I run my paw through the dish, just as I thought! This is stale food from yesterday! How did this happen?

 I trot back into the bedroom “Meow, meow” I use my sweet voice letting the humans know there has been a mistake. No movement from the bed. I walk the length of the mattress rubbing my tail across the dust cover. “Meow, meow” louder now, they’ve been asleep too long. Still nothing. I put my front feet on the top of the mattress leaving my hind feet on the ground. The female human is facing me, eyes closed. “Meow?” She pops one eye open and closes it quickly. I jump onto the bed climbing onto the female human’s hip. She roles onto her stomach causing me to land back on the mattress. “Me-ow!” I shout in protest. I climb onto her back walking towards her shoulder. She still doesn’t stir so I take my cold nose and push it against her uncovered neck. “Dammit Tiffany!” That’s my name, Dammit Tiffany. My official title is God but sometimes the humans forget to use it. “Did you feed her last night?” The male human grumbles “yes I filled her bowl” she answers. I dance in a circle on the female human’s back, I have them both awake now! The human mass under me moves quickly, she rolls on her back grabbing me with her arms at the same time, pulling me into her chest under the covers. Oh! Warm human cuddle time, my favorite! I purr against her chest and drift off to sleep. Visions of furry mice and birds outside the window fill my dreams. I’m running outside in the fresh air, hunting a fat robin in the tall grass. I sneak up on the unsuspecting bird and hunker down, I shake my tail wiggling my hind end winding up my spring. Fully coiled now I leap into the air, the robin never sees me. Claws fully extended I’m just about to grab the juicy feathered meal “Beep, beep, beep” The female moves out from under me reaching over to the night stand to make the sound in the box stop. ”Me-ow!” How rude! I almost had that bird! The female human leaves the room. I’m still sleepy and am now getting cold but there is still another warm human in the bed. I climb on top of the male human’s back. He doesn’t move. I walk up to his shoulders, nothing. I try the same nose trick that I did with the female, he snores. This calls for extreme measures. I extend my claws and begin kneading between his shoulder blades. He wiggles underneath me “Ow! Dammit Tiffany!” He rolls onto his side throwing his back towards the edge of the bed tossing me onto the floor. “Me-ow!” I land squarely on my feet and glare up at him with a dirty look. It’s no use, he is snoring again. 

I head off to find the female human, its due time she fill my food bowl with fresh food. I find her in the bathroom sitting on the toilet. She looks like she is still sleeping so I rub myself against her legs to help wake her up. She reaches down and stokes her hand across my back as I walk and forth against her. She gives my tail a gentle tug “meow” I let her know it feels good. She tugs again, I rub up against her leg and purr. She tugs once more but a little too hard this time, I dig my claws into her leg and bite the soft skin of her calf. “God Dammit Tiffany!” She jumps up off the toilet moving quickly away from me “Meow” Finally she gets my name right.  The toilet flushes and I race out of the bathroom heading down the hall to the kitchen. I turn around when I get to the kitchen, no human. I look back down the hall and she is just now coming out of the bathroom, with a new Band-Aid on her leg. 
I race back to her and help her walk to the kitchen walking in between her legs with each step. She takes a step out of cadence and steps on my paw “YEOW” I yell, that hurt! “Dammit Tiffany!” I plop myself down directly in front her to tend to my sore white toes carefully licking in between them. She steps right over me and continues on to the kitchen. I’m busy working on my paw when I hear the tinkling of fresh kibble landing in my bowl. I run down the hall, my paw no longer hurts. I slide to a stop in front of my food dish. The female human is busy at the coffee pot. I dive into the kibble salivating with each bite. A few kibbles in and I bite into a soft half chewed kibble. What is this? I spit the kibble out on the floor for further examination. I recognize this kibble, I spit it out last night when my dinner became stale. I sniff it, it smells like my drool! The humans have tricked me! They haven’t been refilling my bowl, they’ve just been mixing up the kibbles thinking I wouldn’t notice! I take two steps back and force myself to vomit my breakfast onto the clean kitchen floor. I’m not hungry now anyway and I’ll just lick the butter dish on the counter when they leave if I get hungry. As I’m walking out of the kitchen with my tail held high the still sleepy male human walks in. He isn’t quite awake yet and steps directly into my fresh pile of warm vomit “God Dammit Tiffany!”  “Purow!” Oh how I love to hear my name!

1 comment:

  1. And that's why I don't have house cats anymore...

    ReplyDelete